20 December, 2004 - 2:21 p.m.
There's been something that has been plaguing my mind for the last couple days. I didn't quite know what it was, really, until this morning when my mom asked me about Thea. Wow, that's a name I didn't ever think I'd type again... It's been a little over two and a half years since we broke up, and one year of intense soul searching that, like the book of Acts, has no real ending. But for some reason, not fully revealed to me yet, the feelings and uneasyness in my soul came roaring back last night in shadowy dreams and waked litany. Memories of long days and nights questioning my worth, my faith, my God, my self.
"Graciela [my moms closest freind] asked me if I have heard anything from Theophila lately," my mom quipped. "I told her what you told me: that she sends her regards, that she has since gotten engaged and will be moving to Tenessee after graduation to be with her fiancee..."
I nodded and said that she was doing well. That she was in her last semester as a liberal studies major and thus student-teaching for the remainder of her time at school. I am happy for her. I am truely grateful for the compassion and divine grace that our God has had for her. Only God can attest to the struggles and heartaches, trials and tribulations, tears and.. (well you get the picture) we both went through with emotional manipulations, physical provocations and lustful temptations.
I don't know if I could bring myself to write anything in detail, for Christ, through His Lovingkindness (of which the Psalmist says, is better than life1) has allowed me to overcome as well as forgive myself and her of all the grievous things we did against the sacrament and calling of our relationship with Him. However, I need to put down in writing some sort of reminder to myself that Christ knows our every struggle, he knows every thought, word, deed and action that we do for Him, or away from Him... and every time I doubt that (which is an aweful lot) I move away from Him. That is what has been keeping me up for the last two nights, reminders of all the times I have fallen away, the times I have let myself get in the way of God's plan, reminders of the way I brazenly and deliberately fell into temptations I have been called to flee. In so doing, I failed to seek the Lord of Hosts, preferring rather to run my own show, to play by my rules, to eat my own darkness, to sink into my own desperation and dependency.
Grim, isn't it?
Well, I was lost. In some ways, I still am. And though I could turn to blame everybody else for making me like this, my environment, the gang I used to run with... to somehow make up an excuse that for my age and background I was relatively more faithful and bold and filled with zeal than any of my peers in school, that I was not only cheating myself, I was cheating God (I just realized that this is going to be a very long sentence if I don't do something about it soon, so it will end--even though every bone in my body that is an english minor resists--here). Guys, if there are any who stumble across this entry, I am speaking especially to men: God has called us to be leaders. He has called us to go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. God has called us to be guardians of what is right, what is good, what is moral, what is of good report. God has chosen us to be priests in the order of Malchesidek (see Hebrews 6, I think), that means, first and formost to offer back what he has given us, and to bless it. That is the most important thing that needs to be drilled into our heads as men. The knowledge of the duty to give back in humble adoration and thanksgiving all of what God has given to us to love. To protect. To cherish. The most important of which is our relationships with our sisters in the Lord.
I have been searching and praying for Christ to give me a double portion of the grace and mercy to treat every person I come in contact with as unto the Lord, with the love and respect that a child of the King of Glory needs to reach a little higher, a little deeper, and with a little more faith, to be in full communion with Christ. And if I have the honor and grace of God calling me to a relationship that involves a prospective mate (for that is the only reason one has to be "more than just freinds"... I found that out the hard way), that he would allow me to fast as I'm fasting now, and pray as I'm praying now, to seek His guidance and counsel, as well as the guidance and counsel of my parents and my church, for in the multitude of cousel there is wisdom. That I would enter into His Grace with the calling to go from glory to glory in the name of Christ Jesus. THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER. To seek the Lord, and his righteousness, and all things will be added unto you.
Thank you God Almighty. Thank you for all you have done for me. Forgive me for forgetting what you have led me through. My life was in shambles, my faith was rotten from the inside, I thirsted for you, and I still thirst for you like a parched land where no water is. I want to meditate on You in the watches of my night. Only You, O Lord, know where I've been, and you are My rock, my fortress, the lifter up of my head.
Oh that God would continue to bless and keep me! I know that I am a son of the Most High. Let me cry out with the prophet Isaiah "For thou hast broken the yoke of his burden, and the staff of his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor, as in the day of Midian".
The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.
Thou hast multiplied the nation, and not increased the joy: they joy before thee according to the joy in harvest, and as men rejoice when they divide the spoil. For thou hast broken the yoke of his burden, and the staff of his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor, as in the day of Midian. For every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood; but this shall be with burning and fuel of fire. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this. The Lord sent a word into Jacob, and it hath lighted upon Israel.
9: And all the people shall know, even Ephraim and the inhabitant of Samaria, that say in the pride and stoutness of heart, The bricks are fallen down, but we will build with hewn stones: the sycomores are cut down, but we will change them into cedars.
previous - next